Are you attracted to or dating a transgender or nonbinary person, but you don’t know what you’re doing in the bedroom? Here are some tips for having sex with trans and nonbinary people without coming across as weird.
Raise your hand if you've ever Googled " How to have sex with a transgender person? " Maybe you're a cisgender person and you’ve never been attracted to a trans or nonbinary person before. Or maybe you’re a trans and/or nonbinary person, and you’ve simply never met someone of our kind before.
No matter how you slice it, trans and gender nonconforming people are super hot, so chances are at some point in your life you'll want to have sex with us. But the problem is, most people aren't used to having sex with trans people, and queer and trans sex is rarely discussed in the content of sex education . With 21% of Gen Z identify as LGBTQ+ , chances are that at some point, you’ll be attracted to someone who identifies outside of the gender binary. When the time comes, you’ll thank your lucky stars that you read this article. Here are five tips to keep in mind when meeting or dating transgender, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming people. Before we begin, let's break down a few things.
3 Facts About Sex With Trans & Non-Binary People
- Sexuality ≠ Gender. It can’t be said enough, but sexuality and gender are two separate things. Who you’re attracted to or who you want to get in the bedroom with is different than your gender, whether you’re nonbinary, a woman, or a man. This also means that transgender people can have different types of sexual orientations, like gay, straight, bisexual, or anything in between. In other words, transgender people can be straight, and being attracted to a transgender person doesn’t automatically make you gay.
- There is no one way to have sex with a trans person. Transgender and non-binary people have needs, wants, turn-ons and turn-offs, defects and complex communication preferences, just like everyone else. If you've had sex with someone before, having sex with a trans person is not so different. Remember that bodies are bodies, and body parts are only gendered if you make them that way.
- Keep in mind that there are no hard and fast rules about how to have sex with anyone, including trans people. What feels good, hot, and orgasmic to one person may not work for someone else. No two people are the same, and that goes for LGBTQ+ people too. Sex is always a conversation between two (or more) people, and how good it feels depends on the chemistry, kinks, and sexual histories of everyone involved. But even admitting that can bring you closer to the kind of communication and awareness needed to unleash your wildest sexual fantasies.
That said, here are some general tips that can help you feel confident in the bedroom with the transgender and/or non-binary hottie you're crushing on.
How to Have Sex with a Trans or Nonbinary Person
Don't be afraid to start the conversation.
Direct communication is hot. Who decided that talking before sex was a turn-off? It’s 2022, and despite the media portrayal so far, we should all know that great sex happens when people are able to talk to each other. This is especially true when it comes to sex with trans and nonbinary people. Transgender people can often feel like our bodies or genders are barriers to having the kinds of sex or relationships we want to have. Nothing can make you feel more different than feeling like you’re the only person in the room with needs. There’s nothing sexier than a cisgender person being aware and not afraid to start the conversation.
It’s important to be on the same page about the type of language everyone uses to refer to their bodies. Maybe you’ve never given it much thought if you’re a cisgender person, but everyone has preferences when it comes to the words they use to refer to their own body parts. Do you call it your vagina or your pussy? Dick or dick? How do you want other people to refer to your junk? What words are off-putting?
Remember that transgender and nonbinary people aren't the only ones with preferences. Chances are, we just needed to think about them more. This can be a great place to start the conversation about sexual health, consent and the things to do And not to do in the bedroom. If you're kissing and things start to get heated, let the other person know that you find the communication sexy. Always make sure to talk about your own perspective and desires, how you like and don't like to be touched, and ask your sexual partners to do the same if they feel comfortable.
When was the last time you got tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? Is there anything in your sexual history that you want to share? Are there parts of your body that you don’t like to touch or need to touch in a certain way? Are you a big talker or do you prefer nonverbal sex? What turns you on or off? Are there sexual activities you enjoy that might require a disclaimer or context? Are there sexual activities that are completely off limits? These conversations aren’t exclusive to sex with transgender and nonbinary people, but the more educated and comfortable you are with asking and answering these types of questions for yourself, the more confident and considerate you’ll be in the bedroom with others.
You may find that you both have relatively few needs or preferences for how sex goes, and that’s okay too! Good communication often improves whatever type of sex you’re having, even if it means both people agreeing that they just want to STFU and fuck. These types of conversations can help you practice safe sex, get radical consent, and make sure everyone is on the same page and feeling excited about connecting before, during, and after.
Don't assume that all transgender or non-binary people experience dysphoria.
Gender dysphoria is the feeling of unease or discomfort that comes with not having your body align with your gender. It’s important to know that dysphoria is not a prerequisite for being transgender or nonbinary, but rather a subjective and personal experience that varies greatly from person to person. Some transgender people experience a crippling sense of dysphoria, especially if they haven’t had access to trans-specific healthcare, such as gender-affirming surgeries or hormones, while others feel relatively comfortable in their bodies unless they experience transphobia from others.
Many transgender people don’t feel dysphoria about their genitals unless someone else explicitly references their junk or touches them in a gendered way that wasn’t previously agreed upon. While many cisgender people may fantasize about fucking “a boy with a pussy” or “a girl with a dick,” it’s important to understand how this type of thinking can fetishize trans people unless it’s been negotiated in advance and feels like a fantasy that’s good for all parties involved.
If someone you’re sleeping with is experiencing dysphoric or dissociative feelings during sex, make sure to hold space for them. Ask respectful questions, see if there’s anything you can do to make things better, and don’t take it personally. Make sure to let your sexual partner know that there’s no pressure to have a particular type of sex or perform specific sexual activities. These small gestures can make a world of difference when someone is feeling triggered or out of body in any way.
Do your research
Not all trans and nonbinary bodies function the same way as cisgender bodies, especially if a person’s transition has included gender-affirming surgeries such as butt or bottom surgery, or if they are currently taking estrogen or testosterone hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Don’t make assumptions about what your partner does and doesn’t have, how they function, or what types of sexual activities they engage in. If your partner has had butt surgery, they will likely let you know what works for them in the bedroom.
Hormone replacement therapy can cause a wide range of changes in sexual function and anatomy, including a growth of the buttocks for transgender men and trans-masculine people and changes in libido for trans women and trans-feminine people. Make sure to do your research on how transgender and non-binary people experience their bodies. This will give you a rough framework of expectations when it comes to how medicalized transition can affect a person's sex life.
Don't project your fantasies onto us.
Trans people know what it feels like to be fetishized. Fetishization can happen any time we project our sexual fantasies onto someone without their explicit or implied consent or participation. Work to understand what your sexist sexual expectations of trans or nonbinary people might be and where you get them from (whether from the porn that you have watched, messages you have received or other sexual experiences with transgender people).
Do you think trans men are bottoms or trans women are tops? Do you think trans masculine people don't like to be touched or fucked or that trans feminine people have gender dysphoria with their junk? Check yourself if you're going into a sexual relationship with any of these stereotypes in your head. Meet people where they are and if you're not sure, just ask.
Commit to dismantling your own internalized transphobia and homophobia
We’ve all been socialized into the same global context that sees being LGBTQ+ as something to be ashamed of. Even if you’re accepting of queer people or have nonbinary friends, being attracted to (or even just questioning your attraction to) people of the same gender or transgender people can bring up a whole other set of feelings that need to be unpacked. We’re all taught from a young age that queer, transgender, and gender nonconforming people are neither normal nor attractive. Which means that being attracted to us is shameful and threatening to heterosexuality and normalcy. Dating and sleeping with transgender people is a deep commitment to unlearning these messages.
Don’t practice using people’s pronouns, but conceptualize them based on their gender. If your partner doesn’t talk about their trans identity, be open and proud of the fact that you’re dating or attracted to them. Love them openly and publicly. Don’t hide, ghost, or lie to your friends and family because you’re afraid of what they might think. While you may feel exclusion or discomfort, part of your job as an ally is to overcome any shame you may feel. Many of us can’t hide our gender identities the same way you can hide your attraction to us. Loving and desiring trans people is not something to be ashamed of. Treat us with the same respect and dignity that you want to be treated with, unless we’ve mutually agreed otherwise *wink wink*
If you've made it this far, congratulations. You're about to find the trans hottie of your dreams. Remember, don't overthink it. Don't worry or be afraid of offending anyone. Know that you won't get it perfect, but try anyway. If you make a mistake or say something wrong, apologize and move on. It might feel like you're doing this for the first time, because it might be. That's okay. We all have to start somewhere. Be honest, humble, open, receptive, and may you have the hottest, most intense sex of your life. Because once you break down the gendered boundaries of sex, the possibilities are truly endless.